Tuesday, December 27, 2011

When sharing hurts.

So I gave it my all, didn't run, communicated and shared all I had, only to find out that all of that jazz means nothing in the end. It does not matter how deeply I loved or how much I cared, because he was never going to choose me. I knew it all along, and I was okay with it, okay with no real commitment, but I thought I'd have more time to be loved. Even with all the changes and all the obstacles, this last year has been the happiest of my life. Now he is gone, and I am right back where I started one year ago, except I have no job on hold in Maui; I have no savings; I have a child who I cannot figure out how to communicate with effectively. I hurt in a way I did not know was possible. I have always guarded against feeling this type of pain, and here I am, being hurt by the one person I trusted with everything, whether it was sensible or not. Now I just want to close up my heart again. I do not even want to let in Zach. I just want to go back to being walled-up. Instead, I cry because I feel completely alone and empty. I cry because I loved all three of them, because I allowed myself to care, because I cannot find a reason to smile. 

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