impossible

It's Mother's Day, and my mother will be dead 20 years this year. I think about her often. By now I thought I would be married to someone who loves me and kids who adore me. I have a child, by default, but I will never be married, sadly. My greatest fear in life has always been the fear of being forgotten by the one who loved me. I ran from that possibility my whole life, yet it happened just the same. How does one move on from that knowledge, from that pain? It isn't possible. To know that I am that easy to forgot hurts deeply, too deep to ever allow myself to trust again.

When you learn that the love and trust was one sided, that the last words he will ever say to you is "take care", how do you leave the pain behind? Impossible.

I think that is what my mom always tried to tell me in regards to her relationship with Dwight. Keep him at an arm's length and never trust him, never get involved with his kids or his dreams. Basically, just let it be about the sex. I wish I had listened. Honestly, I would not be in love if that had been the attraction for me, purely sexual. My mom knew how to keep more than one ball in the air, so to speak. She was content with all she had, until she wasn't, and then she waited, too long.

I'm not waiting. I'm just abstaining. So Happy Mother's Day to my mom, a woman I should have listened to a bit more closely.