Three o'clock in the morning, and I cannot turn my mind off. I lost the remote long ago. Yesterday was so hard and sad. Well, every day is sad here lately, but yesterday was sad with a side of nuts. But I somehow feel at peace a little since I posted last. You see, I interviewed at a college in Dallas at the beginning of the week, an interview that went very well, as you may recall. However, I realized upon returning home that I had lost my necklace. On the day of my interview, I needed to feel like someone was near, supporting me.
I am not a material person and definitely not a jewelry kind a girl, but this necklace, well, it means a great deal to me. I figured losing it was some sign, some cosmic message. But this afternoon, I received an email out of the blue from the school where I interviewed stating they had found a pendant in my interview room and wondered if it was mine. I drove straight over, in traffic, and sprinted to Human Resources. There it was, in a small baggie, with my name in bold black letters. I cried when the secretary handed it to me. I just couldn't hold it in. She smiled and said, "I can tell that means so much to you. I am glad that we found it." Me too. For me, having it returned after I thought it was lost forever gave me some solitude. I bought a new chain, with a secure lobster clasp, and put it around my neck immediately. I do not plan to take it off.
My anxiety is lessened now, but still, I feel a deep loss. I continue to return to my mother and how I miss her too. I guess when the loss of someone you deeply love, even though it is not due to death, mixes with past loss because the depth of love is the same, then your psyche explodes, spewing memories all over the linoleum, if I had linoleum. In my mind's eye I see snapshots of sorts from he and my mother. He would have liked my mother, I think. I am a lot like her, or so I have been told. I tried talking to my brother. Neither of us really grieved for her. We both seemed to pretend that it just didn't happen, that she went away, like when we were young.
I am tired of people just going away.
I am not a material person and definitely not a jewelry kind a girl, but this necklace, well, it means a great deal to me. I figured losing it was some sign, some cosmic message. But this afternoon, I received an email out of the blue from the school where I interviewed stating they had found a pendant in my interview room and wondered if it was mine. I drove straight over, in traffic, and sprinted to Human Resources. There it was, in a small baggie, with my name in bold black letters. I cried when the secretary handed it to me. I just couldn't hold it in. She smiled and said, "I can tell that means so much to you. I am glad that we found it." Me too. For me, having it returned after I thought it was lost forever gave me some solitude. I bought a new chain, with a secure lobster clasp, and put it around my neck immediately. I do not plan to take it off.
My anxiety is lessened now, but still, I feel a deep loss. I continue to return to my mother and how I miss her too. I guess when the loss of someone you deeply love, even though it is not due to death, mixes with past loss because the depth of love is the same, then your psyche explodes, spewing memories all over the linoleum, if I had linoleum. In my mind's eye I see snapshots of sorts from he and my mother. He would have liked my mother, I think. I am a lot like her, or so I have been told. I tried talking to my brother. Neither of us really grieved for her. We both seemed to pretend that it just didn't happen, that she went away, like when we were young.
I am tired of people just going away.
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