scared

What a way to start my day, to start anyone's day. I attended a hearing regarding my 10 year old's bullying and inappropriate sexual behavior. As I type these words, it seems unreal. If you knew Zach, met him, you would see a happy, sweet, adorable young boy, who has grown to love baseball, sleeps with a fuzzy panda, and skips everywhere he goes. That's why his behavior, his choices, are so puzzling to me. He makes these bad choices consciously.

I am sitting here, screaming in my head, because I just do not know what to do. I really DO NOT KNOW. I have an appointment for him to see another doctor to address the bullying and sexual behavior because those are my strongest concerns, as they should be I am told. I disagree with everything written about maternal instinct at the moment. I just do not seem to have one. Maybe I needed to have him since birth, but I find myself not liking him very much, and I hate that I feel this way.

I know parenting is not something contained in a handbook. It is difficult and heart-wrenching and overwhelming, but I am already behind, already in the dark, so adding all these issues with no real foundation is freaking me out. His current teacher said to me today that I have taken on a great deal, coming here and changing my life for him. She said that I have been good for him. I just can't see it. All I do is guess. And, at the moment, I am without sane counsel. I am alone and scared to death for him.