I'm keepin' the post close to home today. I returned this morning from yet another trip to the school to pick up my cousin, who was left to me by my aunt, you all know the story. I have taken to calling him my son, I have started the adoption process, I have spent every spare dime trying to make it with him, but after a week of being given the double bird, of lying and inappropriate behavior here and at school, my heart just can't take it anymore. Of course this constant barrage of defiant acts is aligned with my break up from my boyfriend of a year. I placed my faith, for the first time, in two people, and I am let down, whether they meant to let me down or not. I am tired. I am no longer peppy.
I just hate how I feel. I walked down the steps leaving the intermediate school, where Zach will now be spending the remaining of his school year at in-school suspension, and started crying. Sobbing really. I could not stop. I sobbed all the way down the street, passed the crossing guard, in front of parents, and children running late for school. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath but the waves of sobs came, each one harder than before, until finally my sobs were audible. I screamed when I reached the door to the house.
I just don't give a damn anymore.
In fact I sobbed myself to sleep. When I woke I decided I should write about it, about being broken, about not being able to breathe, or love or move. Every time I have made a change, it has been an escape of one type or another. Each experience has also been about adventure and growth. This time, this relocation back to Texas to be guardian to Zach has been anything but an adventure. It doesn't matter how I behave or what I do, he just doesn't care enough to stop being selfish. He wants everything his way, and when everyone holds him accountable, he acts out, denies doing anything, to everyone, and talks about being treated badly.
I love that boy. Someone told me I was good for him, that I was making a huge difference, that I was a great parent. Of course that same someone also said I was special to him, that he loved me deeply, that I made him happy, happier than he has been in a very long time. So I now have to reassess everything. I have interviews now, job offers, a book deal, seemingly everything I would normally want in my life, but all I really want is for my son to stop punishing me for things I could not control and for the man I love to come back into my life. I am no longer who I was. I am better for having them both in my life, but heartbroken, and I just don't know if I can get passed all this pain.
I just hate how I feel. I walked down the steps leaving the intermediate school, where Zach will now be spending the remaining of his school year at in-school suspension, and started crying. Sobbing really. I could not stop. I sobbed all the way down the street, passed the crossing guard, in front of parents, and children running late for school. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath but the waves of sobs came, each one harder than before, until finally my sobs were audible. I screamed when I reached the door to the house.
I just don't give a damn anymore.
In fact I sobbed myself to sleep. When I woke I decided I should write about it, about being broken, about not being able to breathe, or love or move. Every time I have made a change, it has been an escape of one type or another. Each experience has also been about adventure and growth. This time, this relocation back to Texas to be guardian to Zach has been anything but an adventure. It doesn't matter how I behave or what I do, he just doesn't care enough to stop being selfish. He wants everything his way, and when everyone holds him accountable, he acts out, denies doing anything, to everyone, and talks about being treated badly.
I love that boy. Someone told me I was good for him, that I was making a huge difference, that I was a great parent. Of course that same someone also said I was special to him, that he loved me deeply, that I made him happy, happier than he has been in a very long time. So I now have to reassess everything. I have interviews now, job offers, a book deal, seemingly everything I would normally want in my life, but all I really want is for my son to stop punishing me for things I could not control and for the man I love to come back into my life. I am no longer who I was. I am better for having them both in my life, but heartbroken, and I just don't know if I can get passed all this pain.
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