it's raining

It's raining outside. The lightning blinks, fracturing the heavy sky. I sit on a bench, staring into the liquid darts as they are flung against the windows.

I learned something about myself today. I am a strong person. I am a simple person.

Over the last few months I have come to realize that a piece of me, the best piece of me, is missing, probably forever. I have felt its loss greatly, but I did not notice that others could see this. My son, Zach, who is at vacation bible school at the moment, said to me that I never smile anymore, that I always seem sad. For a child who lacks the ability to empathize to notice a change like that, then it must certainly be true.

I don't want to appear sad. I have always been one to wear a smile, almost like armor, but I too have always been a generally happy person, even in the face of adversity. I believe I still am that woman.

I literally broke down today as I scrubbed at my wound from the cycling accident because it is getting infected, some grease from the chain and gears embedded in my flesh. I cried because the pain was so great, and then because I could not reach it well, because again, there was no one to help me care for it, to care for me. I nearly passed out because of the wound itself.

And then there is my first follow up appointment since being declared "cancer free." Every time I go to see Dr. H, I am afraid. I know that God is watching over me, yet I am still afraid. It is difficult to wear that smile, to be brave, when you are alone. Having faith in God, while comforting, is not the same as having someone who loves you nearby. Someone to tell you that everything will be fine.