nobody owns my heart

Today was a trying day for me. I am tired of constantly being told or shown that who I am, or what I do, is not good enough. Zach is absolutely pushing my limits. I'm nice; he's mean. I'm mean; he's mean. I'm in the middle; he is still mean. And selfish. And manipulative. I continue to leave my heart open for this child. I can't close him out, but all he does is complain.

All I try to do is be a good person, be loving, honest and generous, to whomever I let in, into my heart, and yet, I just keep getting trampled. Is it too much to ask to be loved? I mean, I ran from that very sharp and hurtful emotion for most of my life, and now it continues to elude me. I decided today, as I had a good cry, curled up on my bed, that Fate is just pranking people at random, and it is my turn for some reason.

My melancholy started this morning when I ran across some cards Ben had given to me over the span of our eight year relationship. I had read them when he gave them to me, but I do not think I really read them. Every card said how much he loved me, how he loved being in love with his best friend, how he missed me every hour we were apart, and my favorite (said sardonically), how he hoped I still wanted to be with him after all those years. Why wasn't I in love with him? All those years, all those experiences, why didn't I love him back the way he loved me? There were reasons, but were they insurmountable?

And after all this time if I could not allow myself to love Ben, then why open myself up to definite pain? Why was I drawn to one, who I could not have, who did not want me? That is the mystery to me. I knew I was going to be hurt. I knew it was ephemeral. I knew I was inconsequential, but I still loved with abandon. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I can't continue to suppress all of my hurt while allowing people to ignore my worth. I am a flesh and blood creature. I will deal with life as I choose. I am going to start making my own decisions again. No one should regret loving me; I am a special woman. I have a big and gracious heart. Loving me and being loved by me is a blessing.