Whoops! Freudian slip for sure.

He looks at me from across the table after not having seen one another for a while. Michael and I decided that we needed some time apart, when he says " would you like to have sex, I mean, coffee tomorrow?" I  just let it go. But then he said he meant sex, that all he could think about was sex, about New Year's Eve, and he stopped, flushed.

I looked at him. An athlete's build. Really more a swimmer's torso with tight rippled abs and narrow waistline to the hips, like you can almost see that sexy place right below the hip bone on a man. Sigh. I guess I paused in reflection too long because he took the silence to mean that I was considering his offer, and I was considering his offer. It has been six months since I have been with anyone. It does not sound long, but considering I was uh, inexperienced before Logan, I now know that I really like sex.

The problem is that I am not into casual sex. There was no connection between my heart and sex before, and now, there is this ever present tethering of my heart to my orgasm. I cannot explain it. I was in love with Logan (still am but that's beside the point) and had multiple body numbing orgasms often, I wasn't in love with those who loved me in the past, and had no orgasms and little sex. I can count all of my sexual partners on one hand, and I do not need all the fingers. I digress.

Michael has bought me rings, flowers, poetry, etc. He takes me on dates where people can see us, where he is proud to be with me, where he continuously reinforces that he is not and has never been married while "dating" me. (This is a jab at Logan.) He said that the time away made him miss me and asked if I felt the same. I did miss him, just not necessarily like he missed me.

I could have sex with him. I could be with him and probably be reasonably happy and definitely financially secure. But I would be settling and that is what I told him at lunch, over our Mexican food and margaritas. (the Sangria Margarita is to die for!) Then he said something that did make me laugh, and something I am actually considering. "Then let's just have sex and be together. If I find someone who I want to be with, which has not happened yet, then I will. You do not have to commit to anything. Just don't sleep with any other guys while you are sleeping with me." Michael knows my love story. He knows that's how it started with Logan. He knows I grew to love Logan without knowing it. He thinks it will happen again, but with Michael at the receiving end.

I am seriously contemplating just going along for the ride. I have to decide if the guilt is worth it. It has been distracting me all day. I know I will not feel that way for Michael. I have told him too, but now, to agree to this arrangement knowing what he hopes will happen; I just do not feel it is in me. It's just that he has waited for me, been patient and loving. Sigh. I think he at least deserves sex. That sounds terrible. I am a hussy. A harlot. No, I am lonely.