Zoosk-a-rama

I have been listed on Zoosk for a week maybe, and I have already had over 300 views. Is that normal? I do not know. All I know is that this whole online dating thing is just too weird for me. It is like I am at a livestock show, appraising what I see, taking notes as to likes and dislikes, before accepting or declining chat requests. I feel so terrible clicking the 'decline' button, especially when the man has poured his whole life story out into one message window. I find myself accepting at times just because I do not want to hurt someone's feelings. Is that bad though? Does it send the message that I am interested?

And what do I base my interest on anyway? I feel like a horrible person because there has to be an attraction, visually, before I will agree to a chat or whatnot. How how can you do it? The chemistry of that first chance meeting is lost in the cyber-datecard-world of online dating. I hate it.

I wish there was another way for me to get back into the world of dating, but I am so busy teaching all over the metroplex that I just do not have time to be social in the real world. I find myself becoming jaded to the whole idea of sharing a life with someone. I have only really wanted that with one person, who already has it with another, so here I am, meeting men in chat rooms.

Not that there isn't a certain anonymity, but I don't want to be anonymous. I want to be seen. How do I reconcile what my heart wants with what I can manage with my life the way it is? How can I put myself out there, so to speak, hoping for a connection when I feel like I am just a picture on a postcard. I listed my "story," trying to be as candid as possible, but the idea of putting myself out there all over again is absolutely terrifying. I have never had to "date" really as all my relationships came about out of chance meetings. How do I make that kind of a connection without the human element?