Sunday, November 11, 2012

Chances.

How do you trust when you are afraid of being hurt? I think you just do it. There will always be the possibility of being hurt, regardless of what type of relationship you are talking about.

I am hurt daily by the way Zach behaves towards me and others. He acts without empathy. He moves through the day wondering what HE wants to do, never once really thinking about others. He complains about everything. I am exhausted. I try each day to make some kind of breakthrough, some kind of impact on him, but truly, all that happens is that he does something else in school or to another student, that defies reason.

I am hurt by my family who think that I should just continue to give, with the exception of my brother and his family, and I wonder why I even have a family. My father is useless. He cares only about himself. My mother has been dead 20 years now, so my only living parent is without a caring bone in his body. Someone said I have to just take him as he is, which may be the case as I cannot erase him from my life, but do I really have to remain a part of his?

I am hurt daily by my own actions in regards to how I deal with others. I have struggled my whole life at trying to reign in the Asperger's but to no avail. My blunt, robotic responses give me away, driving people away constantly. There are only a handful of people who get me, who know me, but even they have not met the real me. Only one person has seen through much of my stiffness. Do I trust him with the most intimate essences of my being? If I do, and he pushes me away, what then? It seems that all the hurt in my life has culminated in this one moment, in the now.

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